My Journey - Finding My Passion

When I started my journey this year, proudly declaring to myself, "This is MY year!" I had no idea what to expect but I was open for anything. What I am finding out about myself is that I am stronger than I often give myself credit for; like many women out there, we often doubt how much we can handle, taking on more than we should, and breaking down because we can't keep holding everyone else up - at the cost of losing who we are. 

Take away the family, the significant other, the kids, your job. At your core, who are you?

What are you passionate about in your life?  

My passion is to share my story with others who are struggling to break the cycle of abuse. My goal is to inspire growth and positive change in someone else's life. I invite you to walk with me through my journey of change, as I explore and experiment with the psychology behind human behavior. 

To understand oneself, the past must be examined so as to reevaluate our life, and work toward breaking the cycle. Oftentimes, I've found unresolved issues hold me back from becoming true to myself, and further from my passion. It's difficult to sit and examine myself, my relationships, my parenting style, who I am... 

Words flood my brain - perfection, anxiety, fear, retribution, high expectations, feeling responsible for someone else's emotions, image, addiction, pain, heartache, lies, relying on words and not actions. 

These words describe my life, my past, and my present. They have helped me to survive, they made me who I am today - imperfect, faithful, strong, determined, honest, loving, understanding, compassionate, accepting, supportive, and real. 

"Without failure there is no success"

I've been conditioned at a young age to follow the rules or the threat of punishment loomed ahead. Oftentimes, it was taking away my social interactions along with physical punishment in the form of bare-ass spankings up to the age of thirteen. I've learned how to appear perfect, seeking perfection in everything I do, resulting in anxiety and depression. I've held high expectations for myself because of what was expected of me during my adolescence. I was taught that I was responsible for the feelings and emotions of other people when it was a direct result of my actions or words. If I said something or did something that caused upset, it was my fault. I played by the rules most of the time, broke few and paid the consequences. When I broke a rule, it was almost always followed with a negative comment about being like my cousin. I was placed on this pedestal I never wanted to be on. I had to maintain the image of having it all together, of knowing the answers, of being the responsible one. 

No one spoke of the elephant in the room. No one confronted the issues. The addiction, the abuse, the pain and heartache. Lies were made into truth and truth into lies. Conversations were twisted to blame and point fingers. My mother once told me at a young age to not follow her examples she leads in life but to follow her words and what she says. "Do as I say, not as I do" was a common phrase of hers. What I learned from that was to trust words, not actions. This inevitably lead to my struggles and failures in life.

"Learn the rules so you know how to break them"

I rebelled in front of them and behind their backs. My first sexual experience with a boyfriend happened when I was twelve years old. When my parents would go out of town, I held parties. I had my first job at fourteen and could finally imagine a life outside of my family. My focus remained strong and steadfast, to survive this life and when I turned eighteen, I could have a new life all my own. I believed in the fairy tales, in the happily ever after. After all, my favorite movie was Pretty Woman and if her prince came and rescued her, mine surely will someday. I was a very disillusioned child.

As I entered young adulthood and high school, my world began to grow and yet I felt more suffocated as ever. I became involved in Alateen, a support group at the local high school, for teenagers living with an alcoholic parent. What I learned from that group was survival. If you follow the rules, he won't be upset. If you do as he says, he won't be upset. "Do your time, count down the days until you're eighteen and can move out", one member suggested. "It's easier that way." These survival techniques were all about learning how to cope while anticipating the ticking time bomb to explode, and having a plan for when the bomb goes off. There was no talk about boundaries for ourselves or how to keep ourselves safe because at that time, in that day and age, we had nothing but our parents. The law was not in the business of getting into family affairs, even if criminal activity was involved. 

"Pain is certain, suffering is optional" - Buddha

This time, I rebelled by the law. I made a plan with my school and Chrysalis, a nonprofit program for runaways, to basically not go home. I spoke of the abuse, the drug dealing, the environment and how I felt unsafe. I was placed in a foster home  while the police performed an investigation. They came back two weeks later to bring me home - they had deemed my environment safe for me to return home. I was labeled a runaway. 

The rest of my life has been filled with trying to break the cycle while running away from the elephant and acting as though it didn't exist. I'd find myself stuck in a hurricane fighting my way out to find I'm the tornado inside the hurricane. I've rebuilt my life, time and time again (so often, in fact, that I am an expert mover and can pack nearly everything in less than a few days). Each time I rebuild my life, I like to think I become less of a tornado and more of a cool summer thunderstorm, washing away the grime and bringing with it, a sense of hope.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment" - Buddha

This is me, rebuilding of my life. From the ground up. I no longer choose to live in my past. I am relying completely on my faith in a power greater than my own because without that, I am nothing. My faith has been my strength and my guide; often in those moments of life when I've been at my lowest, most broken, and most vulnerable. 

Although I stand atop this great mountain, below me lies the remains of my life while behind me stands those I once loved. I look around in fear and anticipation of what the future holds as I take the next step into my life.