New Beginnings Often Start with Bad Endings

Falling in love as a teenager, living a crazy life of risk in our twenties. Not wanting to repeat the same mistakes my parents made but finding myself right in the midst of the same dysfunctional generational patterns. I wanted something different. I desired change.

Change is painful. It requires the willingness to look within one self, at the hard core truths. Why did something fail? The harder I held on, the more difficult it became to ignore the painful truth - I shouldn't have to hold on to those who claim to love me. I deserve someone who is willing to love me because they chose to, not because I need their love or approval. No one can make someone else change. Either the person will change for the better or they won't. You have a choice. Whatever choice you make results with change. Seeking within myself, I find the strength and determination to make one change each day. It's like challenging myself to learn something new every day.

I have dreams, aspirations, and things I want to accomplish in my future. Only the brave, fearless, and determined will find success in life. Reaching success requires a different type of risk- the risk of losing those closest to you, the risk of failure, or the risk of changing into someone you no longer recognize. These risks can be seen as positive or negative, depending on your perception and experiences in life. Taking these risks also involve the pain associated with loss and rebirth. For me, the pain of losing another exceeds the pain of growth. Both go hand-in-hand; to grow requires the loss of something. The loss allows room for something new to grow and develop.

Moving on from a long-term relationship is scary and painful, when you are leaving behind the only person you ever loved. Loved, even more than you loved yourself. This is why the relationship had to end. A person cannot love another without knowing how to love themselves first. It took me at least six months, if not longer, to find my worth and value. It took much reflection and inner work - and I'm still working on myself. Humans are filled with imperfections. Focusing on the right imperfections, in the right way, can help to develop new skills, a new way of living.

When I started to love myself, I would drift farther from the person I had loved. At first I was filled with anger, as I realized I couldn't have both - the one I loved and to live the life I wanted. I was covering my pain with anger and fought for my life. It was like a veil was lifted and I could see clearly, the truths that I've been refusing to accept. I wanted more from my life. The person I loved was not the person I was meant to finish my life with. The acceptance of the truth was filled with an excruciating pain, as if someone was grabbing my heart and ripping it from my body. I wasn't strong enough to feel the pain that accompanied the truth so, I hid behind anger.

I've learned to live my life based on emotion, based on others' love for me. Love is a basic need but how we obtain the love we think we deserve depends on how we view ourselves and a reflection of our believed value and worth. The decisions I've made in the past have been determined by emotion and how the other person is going to respond. Learning how to live life not based solely upon emotion, is new and uncomfortable for me. I’m bound to make mistakes but I’m willing to learn from those mistakes.

I’m working on developing boundaries – keeping my distance, physically, emotionally; responding thoughtfully instead of reacting from emotion.

And yet,

Here I am,

Blogging…

#NewBeginnings, #PainfulEndings, #Change, #Risk, #Love